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Dec. 30th, 2010

2010? Not A Banner Year

Sure... it wasn't all bad, but it certainly wasn't all good. This year was very "V" shaped for me. It got off to a good start, quickly went downhill, and then slowly started an uphill climb. Now I can safely say that I'm at the best place I've been in quite some time. Having gone through it and gotten through it, there's not much I'd change if I had to do it all over again, but the beauty of this is that I will... as new circumstances and challenges arise. But I feel that I'm readier now than ever to face what's next. I've been walking around saying this for about a month now and it's become my mantra... 2011 is going to be MY year. More changes are coming that will only be for the better. I have some plans up my sleeve and I'm looking forward to watching them unfold. Thanks to some very dear friends, I know with confidence that, when the ball drops at midnight and my 25th birthday is over, I will be surrounded by great people and we will welcome in what I have a hunch is going to be a GREAT year.

Jun. 12th, 2010

Change

It's funny how different a memory
is when you look back on it. It was
around this time last year, I went
to Orchard Beach for the first time
and I was having an awful day then.
I don't remember why. Probably sick
for the millionth time. We could not
seem to get out of the apartment for
the life of us. Or for the life of me. It
was just one thing after the other...

But, anyway, my point is that when I
look back on that day now, I can't
remember the whys and hows of
anything that went wrong... All I
remember is that it was one of the
best days of my life with one of the
best people I've ever known...

I've always been a big fan of change,
but maybe mom was right when she
told me the older I got, the less and
less I would enjoy things changing...

Or maybe I'm just being too nostalgic
for my own good today... Carry on...

Aug. 11th, 2009

Sigh Then Breathe

We met in Bryant Park.
I reached out my hand.
He took hold of it.
Asked me to do him
a favor and hug him.
So good to feel him.
So good to smell him.
Then, in mid sentence,
he leaned across the
table and kissed me.
In public. We hate pda.
But rules disappeared.
Then he invited me back.
We got there and it was
so familiar yet foreign.
"Awww, you're back"
he said to me, smiling.
Then we got intimate
and I had a hard time.
I just had a sinking
feeling it'd be gone
by the next morning.
Gone. All over again.
He told me he'd been
with other people, but
it wasn't the same and
he felt ashamed. Cried.
I told him "they have your
body, but I have your heart."
He cried more and we were
able to finish to completion.
It felt so right. So wrong.
I found myself scared.
All over again. Then
today it came. He's not
ready. He doesn't know
what to think. He doesn't
know what to feel. He
doesn't even know himself
right now. I've changed him.
He needs to figure out what
that means. What he wants.
To be happy. I want him still.
But I want him to be happy
first. It'd be ideal if the two
mix, but not an expectation.
This definitely shook me up.
But I've come so far and I can't
let this mess all of that up. It's
been really hard and gotten a
little easier. It's been good lately.
But not great. It just feels like the
one thing missing is him and I
don't know if that'll ever change.
Not any time soon at least. So it's
a sigh and then it's a breath. Life
goes on and I trust it will go in a
good direction. With or without G.

Aug. 4th, 2009

My Brother

Quiet all day long.
But when it's just
the two of us in
my kitchen here
in Brooklyn, he
just talks and
talks. Like he's
been saving it
all for me. I'm
so thankful to
be the ears that
get to hear all of
this stuff. Even
more thankful
to have finally
opened my ears.

Jul. 20th, 2009

Not Now

A month of fighting.
Until 4 in the morning.

We had just made up.
Trying to work it out.

In the shower.
After another.

To cheer me up.
G started dancing.

Singing "Not Now"
by Little Boots to
me. Looking me in
the eye and being
silly. I smirked.

12 hours later.
Every lyric would
apply and the song
would now be our
reality. I cried.

Jul. 10th, 2009

You Love Me

Approaching a year of no writing.
An unintentional year of nothing.
"Nothing" is not the right word.
In fact, it seems like everything
has happened since moving here.

Like any other place I've lived, there's
been plenty of ups and downs. Higher and
lower than I've ever experienced, but it's
the nature of this city. Everything x 10.

I could go into all the gorey details
and come up with witty, cute ways to
talk about each and every one of them.
But Kimya's already done that for me.

I met him on Christmas Eve. Gaetano.
And who knew we'd be where we are now.
Just six short months later. I love him.
In a way that I never thought possible.

I can't thank Kimya enough for beating me
to the chase. Each and every word of her
song says exactly what I can't write on
my own right now. Instead of catching up,
I'm moving on. But, for today, reflecting
and being grateful for the words of another
artist being able to tell my story for me...

"I moved around from town to town
lots of people around, but still so lonely

Friendships would grow then I'd hit the road
making up excuses for why I had to leave

Always been too scared and unprepared
to let anybody get too close to me

But when I met you right away I knew
you would never ever ever hurt me

And the road's still long but you come along
and you hold my hand and you understand

When I look at you I can't believe it's true
you're all I ever dreamed of and you love me"

Aug. 27th, 2008

To The Sea I Offer This Heavy Load

I came home from work. Put my gym clothes on.
I was headed back out the door. Mom stopped me.
"I have some bad news" and then I heard the word.
The one word you never think you'll hear. Cancer.
"Did they find it early?" "Yes..." "I'll be right back..."
I just ran. Ran through all of the negative thoughts.
No tears. Only sweat. I came home and I was fine.
Mom was fine. Why worry if Mom's not worried?
Seeing as she's the one WITH the cancer, after all.
She is hopeful. The doctors are hopeful. I'm hopeful.

Aug. 24th, 2008

We're Half Awake In A Fake Empire

Why did Richmond decide to get legit
again right as I'm about to finally move?
This weekend reminded me of last summer.
On Friday night, Carolyn and I befriended
a cowboy and a hippie, saw lots of people
we never see anymore, house party hopped
from porch to porch, left a path of destruction
on Monument with Ed, and walked all the way
home to the 805 for what was the very last time.

Then Saturday night, Carolyn and I visited Ana at
work, met up with Phil, Patrick, Erica, and Heather,
then we all decided to join Ana and Judge for a late
dinner at Friday's after Ana got out of work. After
that, we filled up three buckets with water balloons,
all piled in Erica's jeep, and drove all over the city
throwing them at drunk people as they left bars.
I think we even accidentally hit a few of our friends
at the Deli and Delux... this city is way too small.

I was given the chance to help out with a city clean up
project organized by new friends Chris and Jeanine
called Arts In The Alley. We spent the whole weekend
cleaning up Walnut Alley and painting murals over all
the graffiti on the surrounding brick walls. It's always
restoring to watch a community come together and
work as one toward a common goal. I was also asked
to contribute my own personal piece of art to one of
the walls, so now my mark is left behind on Richmond.

I'm glad I met Chris and Jeanine just in time before moving
to NYC. They're filled with ideas on how to use their talents
to make the world a better place. In brainstorming, we talked
about turning Arts In The Alley into a traveling sort of non
profit organization. Once I get settled in the city, we're going
to get in touch and I'm excited to see where it goes. After Arts
In The Alley, I stayed downtown for Dylan's show at Alley Katz,
then I headed over to Nara for Dan's show. I spent most of the
show ad-libbing subtitles to the Olympics w/ Tess and Chris S.

Jul. 6th, 2008

Careless In Our Summer Clothes

Best 4th of July weekend ever!
Carolyn's birthday celebration.
With many friends. Old and new.
48 hour non stop hang out. With
at least 10-15 people at all times.

Joe's Inn for Carolyn's bday lunch
w/ Carolyn, Laura, Phil, Ray Ray,
Heather, Dan, Ana, Judge, Sean,
and Kira. My mushroom burger
had sketchy strips of red peppers
on it that looked like Gene Simmons
tongues, which led to inappropriate
perversion between Ray Ray and I.

After lunch, Asher, Lay Lay, and Becca
showed up. I switched into their car
and we ended up going bumper boating.
We all got soaked and then got kicked
out when I dared Carolyn to climb the
fake lighthouse in the middle of the pool.

Next we went swimming at this random
apartment complex and Erin joined us.
Ana brought Carolyn cup cakes, so we
lit them and did the happy birthday ish.

Back at the apartment, I helped Julian
grill out on the 805's porch. Then we
all ate and watched Carolyn open her
presents. After that, we chilled outside
on the porch waiting for fireworks at
The Diamond to start. Julian, Laura,
Lay Lay, and I sat on the hood of my
car and threw strawberries at traffic
as it passed by. The neighbors were
laughing at us from their balcony and
invited all of us to watch the fireworks
with them, since they had a better view.

Once we got up there, most of them were
pretty hazed and "shared the wealth"
with me, which would've been more
fun if someone in our group joined me.
After awhile, the guys went from being
friendly to obnoxious and we bailed after
one of them threw a firecracker at Ana.

After fireworks, which didn't go off until
midnight ish, we headed over to the Deli
to see if anything was happening there.
We ran into Rosey, but other than that,
it was just our group. We danced to a
few songs, then we headed back home.

Saturday, we went to a late lunch at Viva
Mexico, then some of us decided to stop
by Dan's "30 Is The New 20" bday cookout.
We stayed for about a half hour, took some
pictures, then headed back to the apartment
for late afternoon laziness. We ate rice dream
and watched Death At A Funeral, then Dan &
Ray Ray came over and suggested laser tag.
We all got way too into it and came up with
crazy names and tried to team up on all the
kids playing that we didn't know, but most of
us ended up scoring in the bottom half anyway.

After laser tag, the girls headed to a strip club
for "ladies night" and the guys headed to Galaxy
Diner for milkshakes... how backwards is that?
The weekend ended with "pranks gone wrong"
and some of us making a 3am Waffle House run.

Weekends like this give me things to miss in
Richmond, but no reason whatsoever to stay.

Jun. 27th, 2008

Ebony Bones

Ebony Bones
is the new
Santogold
is the new
M.I.A?

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